thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
