Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
It's just like the Real World with babies
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Randomize
