When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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