Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
