Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
