I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
