The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Randomize
