dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
