i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
