If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
