I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
