Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
