I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
