He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Verdict: uncircumcised.
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