Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
