explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
