Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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