so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
