I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Randomize
