sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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