he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
