I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Randomize
