I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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