my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
