woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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