I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Randomize
