i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Randomize
