Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
