You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I understand Curling. That high.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Randomize
