An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
