last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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