You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Randomize
