That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
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