I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
