I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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