I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Randomize
