I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
