3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
