So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
