did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
