I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
