Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
