I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
