I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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