i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize