Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
