Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
