I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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