Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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