Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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