Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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